I know The Daily B has been a little quiet lately. I thought I should explain.
In short, I'm overwhelmed.
There's a lot of this going on:
This happened when I tried to take a photo of the two of them sitting so sweetly together on the couch. They were reading a book together. It was precious.... For about 30 seconds, until Miles started pulling hair.
See the gum in B's mouth? That's courtesy of her new boyfriend at preschool. He's showing her the ways of the world: bubblegum, Star Wars, Spiderman, and marathon games of chase. In turn, she's teaching him about princesses and butterflies.
There's also a lot of me saving Miles from plunging to his death after he scurries up to the top of a bookshelf, attempts to slide down the stairs on his stomach, or stage dives from the couch.
Is this a boy thing? Or is it a Miles thing?!
Kris and I have nicknamed him "punk" and "rock star" because of his passionate destructiveness. He's a happy, happy kid who is wholeheartedly testing his limits. And who the eff cares if a plant or sister's hair suffers along the way?! It's all good, bro.
Here's what I'm noticing about feeling overwhelmed: It's not only about the stuff going on right in front of you. Sure, chasing two wreckless toddlers can be exhausting. I've given up cleaning my house because I know some little person will follow immediately behind me and undo it. I've added frozen pizza to our weekly dinner menu.
What's happening in front of me is chaos. But inside? I'm (slowly) finding more clarity, more balance. I'm discovering through trial and error how much writing work I want to take on--just the right amount to keep my creative juices flowing and challenge me (and help pay the bills) without feeling like I'm away from my kids for too many hours. I feel so blessed that I have flexibility in that.
Also, this is the first month in four years that I have not been pregnant or breastfeeding. Miles is finally sleeping through the night (most nights). That alone offers some inner clarity. Some space to breathe and look ahead and consider inching toward some personal goals, like publishing personal essays and attending writing and photography conferences.
It feels like I'm setting some New Year's resolutions, but a few months late. I wasn't ready then, but I am now.